“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
– James Baldwin
I have several friends who are raising teenagers and I use the term “raising” loosely. By the time they are teenagers your direct influence has waned to the point of near-nonexistence. If you’re raising these post-adolescent humans (“human” also being a loosely used term), you probably haven’t considered the reality that you actually do influence them indirectly.
The values you instilled in them in their formative years, believe it or not, continue to guide them throughout their lives. Further, they do listen to you even when they fray your nerves and drive you to the brink of insanity.
Over the holidays, I listened at a party to a couple with a continually irate teenage boy who simply can’t get his homework turned in. My divorced friend and drinking buddy, also raising a teenage boy, ranted at length last Friday about how his son thinks the world comprises nothing but Internet gaming.
My friend raising a teenage girl on her own declined an invitation to lunch yesterday because she was in the middle of grounding her daughter for a series of violations she kept to herself. Finally, my friend with a teenage boy and girl was brought to tears last night by her daughter who was suspended from UIL competition because she’s failing nearly all of her classes and didn’t want to be told to bring her grades up. Well, these things are typically more complicated than that, but it began with a simple exhortation that you have to pass to play.
As a bystander, I could only offer sympathy and alcohol, neither of which are particularly useful in these situations but they do foster a sense of solidarity even though I’m—thankfully—not raising teenagers. The collective situations of my friends, however, did cause me to think about the influence I had on my own children.
It’s funny: they were all three very different, but each eventually adopted my basic worldview as they traveled their own path to adulthood. As I thought of the tribulations of my friends, knowing that they are all doing their level best to parent well, I began to think about my own parental challenges, failures, and successes. And then I began to recall what I actively tried to teach my children.
Retrospectively, I was surprised to realize that, wonder of wonders, most of it stuck—although I have no idea how. I chalk it up to good stock, on their mother’s side. As a mental health exercise, I began to list all the things I tried to teach my children, in part to convince myself that maybe I really did do my best at parenting. Here’s what I tried my to teach my kids—some of it directly and explicitly and some of it indirectly through example and thoughtful commentary. I was certain at the time I was being ignored; it turns out, I was wrong:
Inhabiting this world is a gift. Your job above all else is to leave it better than you found it.
Treat your siblings with love and kindness. One day, your mom and I will be gone, and then each other is all you’re going to have.
All you own in this world is your time; spend it well.
Don’t worry about what other people think of you. Worry about how you treat other people. What they think of you will take care of itself.
Nobody likes a bully, so don’t be one, and when you encounter one, know that he is probably frightened and miserable. Stand up to him and when he backs down, make him your friend; he no-doubt needs one.
I can’t never did anything.
I believe in God; what you believe is up to you. Just know that believing in God is pointless unless you use that belief to make the lives of other people better.
Choose your friends wisely. Be with people who make you want to be a better person.
Never disrespect your mother. She’s the reason you’re here.
Take some time every day to sing. You don’t have to be good at it to enjoy it; besides, it’s good for your soul.
The most important thing you can do with your free time is to read a book, and to write. Never stop reading and never stop writing.
Math and science are every bit as important as literature. Learn them well.
The thing about raising teenagers is that you’re going to look back on all this and think you didn’t do it right. You’re going to think about the times you blew it. The times you yelled when you should have held your tongue. The times you gave in when you knew you shouldn’t have. The times you punished too harshly because you were frustrated and had it up to your Adam’s apple with their bullshit.
And, God, when you’re dealing with it first hand? There are times when all you want is to hole up on a deserted island and drink from the never-ending rum fountain. What you don’t know, what you can’t see in the thick middle of it, is that as long as you’re trying, you’re affecting the outcome for the better.
All that crap I tried to teach my kids? They’ve quoted most of it back to me and to others.
Take heart. You’re doing better than you think.
Guy-o
