Tag Archives: loss of a child

The redemption I witnessed in my son had many false starts. Not understanding addiction at the time, I was the victim of my own naiveté. I didn’t understand the nature of addiction at the time of Tim’s struggle and how it toys with the lives of others not directly captivated by its influence. We were all drawn by the current of its ebb and flow but only by virtue of our connection to Tim.

I would see his attempts to break free and mistake the momentary liberation for freedom from the force that over and over drew him back. Retrospectively, I am reminded of the protracted labor of his mother during the time of his birth that ushered him into this world. Like my naiveté regarding his addiction, I knew nothing of the complications that can occur during a pregnancy and just how dangerous it can be for both mother and child. Continue reading →

I’ve been told countless times since I began this project that I’ve taken on too much ownership of my son’s behavior and the eventual outcome of his life. That I somehow needlessly continue to blame myself for his life’s conclusion and the missteps along his way. I’ve been told over and over to lay this burden down.

In all earnestness I am compelled to offer that this is the certain wisdom of friends and family from the outside looking in, and the wisdom is not lost on me. It is not merely well meaning; rather, it is well-founded. Advice that should be heeded.

The end having been realized, would’ves, could’ves, and should’ves no longer matter. The end is the same and no afterthought can change it. However, as an insider looking out I ask in equal earnest how do I lay down such a thing? Continue reading →

Tim’s addiction notwithstanding, he was so compassionate and tender when the demons would rest. It would, however, be to whitewash his terrible behavior when they would awaken, to refuse the acknowledgement of how he put the who of his true self aside, as addicts inevitably do.

The story is tired and worn. The addict, driven by demons that manifest anger wrought from anguish and a sense of misunderstanding by friends and family, often lashes out at them. In the aftermath, he concerns himself with the destruction brought by his own hand and desperately tries to repair the damage that confronts him when the harsh reality of sobriety beckons. Continue reading →